Monday, June 22, 2009

Psalm twenty-three-and-a-half

Wellness, thou art my Lord and Shepherd, and I shalt not want. My stamina shalt be likened unto that of the camels, as I runneth in the sun. Thus shalt I be able to work long hours, never tiring, and make six figures easy.

Wellness maketh me to jog through green pastures along a path of asphalt. He leadeth beside the still waters of Poland Springs. I wouldst pour the healing waters over my head, whilst perspiring profusely. It drippeth down my shirt, it trickleth into my shorts, and, yea, I shalt rejoice.

Wellness leadeth me in the ways of the 3k, also the 5K, and I aspireth even unto the marathon, though the triathalon is for the cuckoo.

Yea, though I mayst trod aerobic mid the valley of the shadow of the pot belly, I shalt fear no snacks, nor even the evil french fries, for now I partaketh not.

Wellness, thou art with me, the carrot stick is my rod, the celery is my tender stalk, and they comforteth me. Though not like a nap after loaded nachos, as in the days of the Gomorrah Club.

No wonder, I doth aver, the Sodomites there didst turn to salt, as their diet verily didst bear so much of the sodium molecule.

Wellness, thou prepareth a table for me in the presence of preservatives. Thou heapeth it with pomegranates, rich in antioxidants, also the lycopene of the dark blue berry. My cup runneth over with green tea, and, lo, it leaveth a nasty ring upon thy table.

Thou annointest my greens with oil of the olive branch, whereupon a little salt of the sea goeth a long way, mixed with fresh cracked peppercorn and vinegar of balsam, maybe some tomatoes dried in the sun.

Surely Wellness and Prosperity shalt follow me all of my days. I shalt live in the mansion of the gated community in Northern New Jersey for all time, or until a subprime mortgage crisis followed by a Democratic administration.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

State Worker Rap

Roll outta bed
get in to work late.

Don't have to be on time
cuz I work for the state

I'm a state worker

Monday, June 15, 2009

Wm Shakesp Tweets

U R 2 me
a 4 branched
flowered tree
of cherries ripe
& not 1 canker
pure delight

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Dese Heah's Some Dem Tweeps Fuh Youse

Ah heah how you gots one dem whaddycalls-its.
You knows, wheah dey jams da whole message in, in a few woids...

Hey, Ah heahs youse more busier den a one ahm paypuh-hanguh
Wid da prickly rash. Ya doan have time to antsa no phone!...

So peoples dey gotta send da message wid text
So you can READ da phone youse 'salready yappin on...

Sorta takes da joy outta it, 'swhat Ahm talkin bout, whadda youse tinkin?!
Dis idda phone yer already yappin on, already readin on, already messaging on...

Also already takin voicemails on, like twenty of em or more,
Deys stacked up like da jets hovering or La Guardia...

An dis is why peoples gotta WRITE to ya on yuh phone!
'Cept you gotta tell em, Domebeezetoopid and write a book...

Hey, doan write no Great American Novel, willya,
Ya Gavoone! Hey Ahm onna phone ovah heah!...

Den dey gotta write brief-like, hafta send dem tweeps,
'Slike em olefashioned tellhergrams. I sent dese heah to yo Bum Berry...

'Cuz ya still a Bum. ~ Ahm still ...Yer Brutha, Mikey...
('Course I doan do brief, eggsackly, so, me, Ah send you nine.)

[Notes on Common Slurvian Words: heah=hear, dey=they, youse=you is, you are, or yours, Ah=I,
paypuh=paper, doan=don't, antsa=answer, tinkin=thinkin, Domebeezetoopid=Don't be stupid,
Wheah=where, Ahm=I'm or arm, idda=is the, dese heah=these here, onna=on the, tweeps=tweets,
and tweets can be choips, twoips, tweeps, twerps, twips, twits, eggcetra.]

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