john chapman's broadcast

Wellness, thou art my Lord and Shepherd, and I shalt not want. My
stamina shalt be likened unto that of the camels, as I runneth in the
sun. Thus shalt I be able to work long hours, never tiring, and make
six figures easy.

Wellness maketh me to jog through green pastures
along a path of asphalt. He leadeth beside the still waters of Poland
Springs. I wouldst pour the healing waters over my head, whilst
perspiring profusely. It drippeth down my shirt, it trickleth into my shorts,
and, yea, I shalt rejoice.

Wellness leadeth me in the ways of the 3k, the 5K, and I aspireth even
unto the marathon, though the triathalon is for the cuckoo.

Yea, though I mayst trod aerobic mid the valley of the shadow of the
pot belly, I shalt fear no snacks, nor even the evil french fries, for
now I partaketh not.

Wellness, thou art with me, the carrot stick is
my rod, the celery is my tender stalk, and they comforteth me. Though
not like a nap after loaded nachos, as in the days of the Gommorah
Club.

No wonder, I doth aver, the Sodomites there didst turn to salt, as their
diet verily didst bear so much of the sodium molecule.

Wellness, thou prepareth a table for me in the presence of
preservatives. Thou heapeth it with pomegranates, rich in
antioxidants, also the lycopene of the dark blue berry. My cup runneth
over with green tea, and, lo, it leaveth a nasty ring upon thy table.

Thou annointest my greens with oil of the olive branch, whereupon a
little salt of the sea goeth a long way, mixed with fresh cracked
peppercorn and vinegar of balsam, maybe some tomatoes dried in the sun.

Surely Wellness and Prosperity shalt follow me all of my days. I shalt
live in the mansion of the gated community in Northern New Jersey
for all time, or until a subprime mortgage crisis followed by a Democratic
administration.

~ Michael Dennis Mooney

Roll outta bed,
get in to work late.

Don't have to be on time,
cuz I work for the state.

I'm a state worker.

~ dubbaemm

U R 2 me
a 4 branched
flowered tree
of cherries ripe
& not 1 canker,
pure delight

Ah heah how you gots one dem whaddycalls-its.
You knows, wheah dey jams da whole message in, in a few woids...

Hey, Ah heahs youse more busier den a one ahm paypuh-hanguh
Wid da prickly rash. Ya doan have time to antsa no phone!...

So peoples dey gotta send da message wid text
So you can READ da phone youse 'salready yappin on...

Sorta takes da joy outta it, 'swhat Ahm talkin bout, whadda youse tinkin?!
Dis idda phone yer already yappin on, already readin on, already messaging on...

Also already takin voicemails on, like twenty of em or more,
Deys stacked up like da jets hovering or La Guardia...

An dis is why peoples gotta WRITE to ya on yuh phone!
'Cept you gotta tell em, Domebeezetoopid and write a book...

Hey, doan write no Great American Novel, willya,
Ya Gavoone! Hey Ahm onna phone ovah heah!...

Den dey gotta write brief-like, hafta send dem tweeps,
'Slike em olefashioned tellhergrams. I sent dese heah to yo Bum Berry...

'Cuz ya still a Bum. ~ Ahm still ...Yer Brutha, Mikey...
('Course I doan do brief, eggsackly, so, me, Ah send you nine.)

##


[Notes on Common Slurvian Words: heah=hear, dey=they, youse=you is, you are, or yours, Ah=I,
paypuh=paper, doan=don't, antsa=answer, tinkin=thinkin, Domebeezetoopid=Don't be stupid,
Wheah=where, Ahm=I'm or arm, idda=is the, dese heah=these here, onna=on the, tweeps=tweets,
and tweets can be choips, twoips, tweeps, twerps, twips, twits, eggcetra.]

"This week on New Urban Lifestyles Radio we interview
sex-expert Marian Aspell-Clute on the new gelatinous dildoes;
does she recommend them? Radio, plus imagination."

##

For one Marian Aspell-Clute
Few things are absolute.
She's so relativistic
She's slob-solipsistic,
Jump-the-shark narcissistic to boot.

Not content to be just homosexual,
She's also latently heterosexual; Right!;
Give her time, troop detachments,
Door knobs, tool attachments,
None, none!, will estrange her affections.

Sheep, goats, cats sans claws,
Beef tongue, rabbit paws,
Insistently vibrating cellulars,
Cylindrical vegetable cellulose,
All, ah!, will be part of her cause.

So sex-expert Aspell-Clute,
Sipping OJ and Absolut,
While dining out at brunch,
Said, I do like to carpet-munch,
But I'd, too, like to toodle a flute.

So she got her new cute Mr. Clute,
Her latest menage recruit;
Then boyfriend and girlfriend both "faced" her,
And she had a child by a turkey baster,
Quoth Mr. M. Mooney, Poetaster.

##

Envoi:

Marian, how do you manage?
With both a hubba and a wife?
Said she:
I manage menages by giving massages,
Also by serving Bordeaux et Fromages,
Thus softening the tension and strife.
La, la,
Quieting tension and strife.

~ Michael Dennis Mooney

Yes, she is like a meadow,
Soft as fresh green grasses
Lit with dappled sun,
Cool, under leafy boughs,
Redolent of flowers,
Fragant of fresh air,
Sweet as the rushing stream
Fallen from the hills,
Quicksilver of thought
As the stream's darting trout.
She's very like a meadow,
She who was named Lea.

Blossom torn from bough,
a blown-away umbrella.
Spring. Torrents of rain.

##

A Rothschild counting money,
Ones and quarters, stacks.
Office of the laundromat.